sky high dreams.

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things.
most of which I choose not to share with people.
here are some that I will.

I hate, hate, hate being alone. I hate sitting alone in my room. I hate walking alone. I hate eating alone. I just hate being alone.
Hence the reason I tend to walk around to people's rooms on a regular basis, bothering them and seeing if I can just chill with them. I assume most people think it is annoying, but is really difficult for me to just be alone.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I am left out of things. Or that I am being forgotten. despite my above stated dislikes, I still spend a lot of time in my room. I rarely go eat meals with anyone, and I can't really remember the last time that I ate in the upper gag two days in a row. I can't really explain what exactly makes me feel this way, but I just feel really alone all of the time. I assume it is probably more my fault than anyone else's, but it is still an awful feeling.

The thing that has been on my mind the most lately is acceptance. The people I count among my closest friends are THE most fantastic people I have ever met in my life, and I thank God every single day for them. Jill, Hope, Kaylee, Jeff, Fowler, Bailey, Kristen, Scott, Aaron and Eric are the most amazing people I could ever have asked to be surrounded with. They brighten my life every single day and keep me going no matter what problems I face.
But, aside from them, I can count on one hand the number of girls, through CC4C, that I have felt "accepted" by.
All the time, I hear people in Campus Crusade talk about bringing people in. Inviting more people, making the meetings bigger.
What about making the people that already go feel welcome?
I haven't really had any desire to go to Cru the last month or so, because I don't really feel welcome or included there. Generally, the only people I find myself talking to are the people I spend my time with outside of Cru.
I don't really know what it is that makes people not really feel like being around me. I know I have heard from people in the last couple years that I am "different." That I don't dress like a Christian should. I don't listen to music like other Christians do. I'm too "weird" to be Christian.
I'm not really sure what any of that means. I didn't know that Christianity came with a dress code and extracurricular requirements.
I love the same Jesus as everyone else. I pray to the same God, I read the same Bible. whose place is it to say that I'm not a Christian because of who I am?
That really tears me apart, probably more than people realize. As does not feeling accepted.
I don't really know how to fix it. I know I'm shy when people first meet me. Which is hard to believe for some people, considering how I act around my closest friends. It's hard for me to just talk to people I have just met, and sometimes that comes off as being rude, I think.
I am thankful for everything God has blessed me with, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I just wish that I understood some things better.

PS. I need something to fill my time while home. With a game or something. Shoot me some ideas if you have any. :)

1 Corinthians 2:9

What if I'm different?

I'm so tired of people pointing out all of my faults.
I'm sorry that I don't do certain things the way that the rest of society does. I'm sorry that I don't dress right, or talk right, or say things right. I'm sorry that I don't live up to YOUR standards of what a real Christian is.
What is a real Christian anyways?
In high school, and ESPECIALLY in college, I have had so many people tell me that I'm "not a good Christian" or "not a real Christian."

Why not?

Because I don't go around screaming about my God. I don't speak up when I am moved, I don't pray all of the time, I don't read my Bible as much as the guy or girl who lives near me.

Do people not realize that what they say is hurtful?

Even now, writing this, I'm on the verge of tears. Just thinking about what people have said to me tears me apart.

It's enough to make me want to give up on it all all together.

I know I shouldn't, but what do people think is going to be my reaction to that?
It makes me feel like a terrible person, plain and simple.
I guess I just don't fit the mold of the regular teenager who believes in Jesus.
which, you know, makes me feel awesome.
I don't know how to make people like me. I don't know what to do to make people think different of me. So I just suffer through it, and pretend everything is okay, and no one who has any idea.

Even the people I would assume would care, appear not to.

Why?
I have no idea.

I try to be as nice as I know how. I try to smile, wave and greet everyone and I try my best to fit in.

But somehow, I still don't.

What am I going to do?
I guess just stick it out and suck it up, because it doesn't seem like there is anything that I CAN do to save myself.

I'll stop saying what I feel, I only ever get chastised when I do anyways.

I'll stop being happy, and maybe let you get a glimpse of all the sadness I have.

I'll stop laughing, and let you guess what's wrong.

Or maybe I will just keep faking it, the way I know best.

Because I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just different.

i dont know what i did.

I have been struggling so bad since coming to Wayne. So much stuff has happened this year that I was just not prepared for. And I have tried to talk to people about it, especially the people involved, but it is always blown off. Like, "good problem, but MY problems are so much worse." or "Good story, now hear how my issues are so much worse." Sometimes I don't feel like people are listening at all. I feel like I have lost so much this year. It kills me, and makes me want to cry, nearly every day. I have cried more this semester than I have in a long time. I have no idea what to do anymore.
I take a lot of things personally that I probably shouldn't. And most people don't realize it, because I put up such a tough front, and act like I can take it. But in reality, it kills me. Especially when it relates to the kind of friend I am, or how someone feels about me. I am a lot more insecure than I sometimes act. It is extremely hard for me to take compliments as truth, and not feel like it is just being said to me for the sake of being nice. I yearn for approval from people. Something I am working on, but I still struggle with it.
I hate just sitting in my room and doing nothing. I wish I had my bike. I would go on bike rides all the time. Just to be alone. I wish more people wanted to do things outside anymore, but it seems like most everyone wants to stay inside and play some game. I get so bored, and I don't ever have anything to do. You can't throw around a frisbee alone.
I am having a lot of issues with trust. These days, I have no idea who I can trust. I just don't know anymore. Which is extremely hard for me, because then I just keep feelings bottled up and it makes it hurt even more.
I wish, just once, someone would ask me what is wrong. I hate going to people to talk because I feel like I am being an inconvenience. But I can't even remember the last time someone came to me and asked what is wrong, if I need help, if I am okay.
I don't think people give hugs enough. I love hugs. They are one of the few things that can make me feel better no matter what. But no one ever wants to hug anyone. Which is sad, because sometimes that is just what I need to feel better. :/ Most people just think I am weird for wanting a hug from them.
I wish everyone gave hugs like James.
I wish people would care, or at least act like it.

indecisions.

Eight days. that's all. until we go back to Wayne.
I can't even remember the last time I was this excited for something. It's insane.
But, even so, I'm going into this year with a lot of stuff on my mind.
Some things that should be on my mind. Others, that should not.
This summer, I have gotten stronger in my faith. Especially in the last two months. I'm going back to school with a semi new outlook on life. and I LOVE it. I still haven't completely rid myself of the negativity I tended to have a lot of. BUT I'm getting a lot better.
Specifically, I have realized that I wasn't really living my life with the outlook that everything I do is for God, and God alone. That no matter what I do, I must try to glorify him in everything that I do. This summer, I have realized a lot about myself that I never knew before. I was just...living. Wasn't doing it for a purpose.
But now...I am. and this year at school I am going to try and act like that with everything that I do. Classes, Crusade, Friends. Everything.
This summer has been one of the most rocky ones of my life. So much has happened, and so much has changed. Without my friends....without my BEST friends. I never would have made it out so positively. Jeff, Jill, Bailey and Scott are without a doubt the four most important people in my life. And I dont know what I would do without them, but I know I definitely would not be happy.

the greatest book ever written.

some of my favorite bible verses. there is many, many more that I will keep adding! let me know what some of your favorites are. :) God Bless!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it. Psalms 34:14

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen. Romans 11:36

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life." John 8:12

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength.' The Second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:29-31

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has in store for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

story #2!

i have edited the beginning part and added a lot more to it. :)
let me know what you think!



“She’s gone, Carter. She’s gone. They tried all they could, but they couldn’t save her.”
6:39 AM. October 17. The words hit Carter like a ton of bricks. His future wife, his best friend, his life, his everything. Gone. He was speechless. His heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. She was gone, and with her, everything he had ever known.
He sat back in the chair he had spent nearly a dozen hours in, waiting, hoping, and praying. The previous night, at 6:02 PM, it had happened. He had watched it happen, helplessly, two cars behind. He had seen that pickup go a little too fast through a light that had been red for at least 10 seconds. He had seen that pickup slam into the driver’s side of her little Civic. He had seen her airbag deploy. He had seen the driver of the truck reverse and speed away. And there had been nothing he could have done about it.
They had been on their way to the homecoming football game. It was their senior year, and it was supposed to be perfect. The following night, they were supposed to dress to the nines and go dance the night away at the Homecoming dance. Dances had been her favorite part of high school, and she looked forward to every single one. This was her final Homecoming dance, and she had been looking forward to it practically the very second Prom was over. She had searched for weeks for the perfect Homecoming dress, and she and Carter had gone to the florist together to design and buy the perfect corsage and boutonniere. And now everything they had been looking forward to was gone.
After the accident, Carter had been unable to bear the pain of even looking at the accident. They were required to stay at the scene to recall what they had witnessed, but Carter had sat in the backseat of his truck, and tried to feel, think, say, anything. He hadn’t watched the ambulance take his sweetheart away to the hospital; he hadn’t watched the police cars surround the scene. He hadn’t even watched when the tow truck had hauled her crushed Honda away. All he could do was stare blankly at the back of the seat in front of him. Everything about him felt crushed, broken, torn apart.
He had been driving with the guys. She had been with four other girls. They had all met at Carter’s house beforehand to grill out and get ready for the game. Everything had been perfect. The perfect weather, perfect day, perfect friends. It had seemed like nothing could go wrong. Trevor had offered to drive to the game, but Hadley had insisted that she wanted to. Her parents had just paid to put gas in her car, and she wanted to drive. The girls had dressed up in the school colors, blue and gold, and painted the windows of Hadley’s car. They had spent hours perfecting their outfits, hair, and face paint. They had been looking forward to this game since the beginning of the semester. It was their senior year, and they were at the top now. They would stand in the front row of the bleachers and lead the cheers for the rest of the student section, everyone’s eyes on them.
7:34 AM. In the waiting room of Belden Memorial Hospital, the four girls, the guys, and Carter, sat quietly, unsure of what to think of what had happened. The face paint the girls had so carefully applied streaked messily across their cheeks from the tears that they couldn’t seem to stop. The guys, once “too tough” to cry, had broken down into tears, just as Carter had. Hadley’s parents sat in the corner, her mother sobbing heavily into her father’s shoulder, and her father staring straight ahead, a blank look on his face, unable to feel anything. Hadley had been their only daughter, the only girl of five kids, and the only child left in the house. If Carter thought he was broken, he couldn’t begin to imagine how her parents felt.
They said Hadley was gone. But Carter wasn’t sure how easy it would be to accept it.
8:17 AM. Carter and the rest of his friends at the hospital had long since decided they wouldn’t be attending the dance that night. Carter could barely bring himself to leave the hospital. All he wanted to do was be able to hug her one more time. To hold her hand and laugh at her lame attempts at jokes. To surprise her at her locker in school with flowers, a note, even just a hug. To look into her gorgeous blue eyes, and smile just because he could. He didn’t know if he could even stand to go back to school, to walk the same halls alone that he had become so accustomed to walking with her, to sit in the same classes they had together, to sit with the same friends at the same lunch table, missing the most important part.
Hadley and Carter had known each other since they were four years old. They had gone to the same daycare, and their moms had met, and become really close friends. From then on, the two of them had been put together in all kinds of situations: play dates, lunch dates, and family get-togethers. They had grown up living on the same block, just a few houses apart. Growing up, Hadley’s house had been one of the few places that Carter had been allowed to walk to alone. They had always walked to the library together, and then sat in the children’s section for hours looking at picture books, laughing together at all the little things that had amused them so much. Carter knew almost everything about Hadley. From her favorite color to her favorite food, the scars she had, and the things she was most afraid of. He knew the things she hated, and the things she loved. And he knew the plans she had for her life, ones only someone with a huge heart and imagination could have dreamed of, and now it was gone.
9:24 AM. Carter stumbled out of the hospital doors and into the bright Saturday morning sunlight. Already, the temperature had risen to almost 70 degrees, not uncommon for Texas. On a normal day like this, Hadley would have called him early in the morning, far before his brain wanted to wake up, and begged him to hurry up and get out of bed so they could go somewhere for the day, whether it was the lake, the zoo, the mall, anywhere. Carter had cherished every single second he spent with her, even if the seconds were spent doing something he didn’t particularly enjoy.
He stood at the end of one of the dozens of aisles of cars. He could not figure out where he had parked his car. Much of the previous night was still a blur of tears, worry, fear and heartbreak. He wandered, slowly, through the aisles of cars, trying to find his blue pickup.
9:35 AM. Once he located his truck, he got in slowly. He threw his keys onto the passenger seat and put his head down on the steering wheel. With both hands on the wheel, Carter felt the pain of his heart breaking. Tears began streaming down his cheeks, and had he not been gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white, he was sure his hands would have been shaking. His body shuddered with each of his hard, ragged breaths. The weight of what had happened had finally begun to take over. Nearly four years, she had been his everything. For nearly 7 years, she had been his best friend. For nearly 14 years, she had been a permanent fixture, friend, in his life. He had no idea how he would be able to function without her.
9:14 AM. Friday, October 16. Hadley ran up to Carter in the hallway at Persinger Academy.
“Hey, baby,” she said, standing on her tiptoes to reach up and kiss him on the check. “How was homeroom?” Her blue eyes glittered even under the stark light of the fluorescents.
“Well, it was…homeroom. Tyler was making paper airplanes again the whole time, and throwing them across the room every time Mrs. Knapp turned her back. That was about the most exciting part.” Carter smiled, and took her hand, starting to walk down the hallway.
“Tyler is so immature sometimes,” she said, giggling. “So, am I just coming over to your house right after school? What’s the plan?”
“If you have all of your stuff that you need with you, then most definitely,” he said, nodding. “I think Tanner was planning on coming over right after school, too. So we can start getting stuff ready for the grill and all of that. And you girls can make yourselves look beautiful, more so than you already are anyways.” Carter squeezed her hand and laughed, while she pouted and pretended to be upset.
The minute warning bell rang; shrill in their ears, signaling that is was time to get to class. Hadley kissed Carter on the cheek once more, before starting down the hall to her class.
“I’ll see you after school, babe!” she called down the hallway. Carter smiled to himself as he walked into Calculus, wondering once again how he had gotten so lucky to have such a wonderful woman in his life.
3:22 PM. Carter spun the lock to his combination and yanked it open. He threw his Astronomy book onto the shelf and grabbed his letter jacket off of the hook. He heard Hadley’s voice before he saw her. She turned the corner down the hallway with her best friend, Tori, absorbed in a conversation that could only involve the evening they had planned ahead of them. Even after four years, Carter still got butterflies in his stomach every time he saw her. She caught his eye from the end of the hallway, and smiled brightly at him. He started walking down the hall towards her. They met in the middle, and turned towards the front door.

feeling forgotten.

I feel like this summer I am losing everything I gained at Wayne. I know I'm not, because that's not the kind of thing the wonderful friends I have would do, but I don't know.
I can't stand it. and it is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't go out of my way to tell people what is wrong with me.
I need people to ask ME if I'm okay.
Because I worry about bothering people, making people mad, being a nuisance, frustrating people, messing things up, losing friends, losing my mind, being stupid, saying dumb stuff. the list goes on and on.
and when the people I expect to care the most....don't. it is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I am being forgotten.
I don't know how to handle situations anymore.
I worry too much. This is something that nearly everyone I know has knowledge of. But I'm the kind of person who needs to be reminded of what is special about me. I don't know why...and I hate that about myself.
I hate being alone. Which I think is the main reason I miss Wayne so much. I'm used to being surrounded by the fantastic friends I have. And at home...I don't have that. I have Jill, whom I love and who is the best friend I could ever ask for...but I miss everyone else more than they could probably imagine.
I just want to go back to Wayne and have everything be...fabulous again. like it used to be.
I have the best friends on the planet, and I know I take them for granted every day of my life. I love them more than almost anything. I just really need them.
So, to Jeff, Fowler, Scott, Aaron, Caleb, Bailey, Jill and whoever else may read this. I love you guys. :) only 43 days until we all get to be together again! Thank you for being amazing.