sky high dreams.

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things.
most of which I choose not to share with people.
here are some that I will.

I hate, hate, hate being alone. I hate sitting alone in my room. I hate walking alone. I hate eating alone. I just hate being alone.
Hence the reason I tend to walk around to people's rooms on a regular basis, bothering them and seeing if I can just chill with them. I assume most people think it is annoying, but is really difficult for me to just be alone.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I am left out of things. Or that I am being forgotten. despite my above stated dislikes, I still spend a lot of time in my room. I rarely go eat meals with anyone, and I can't really remember the last time that I ate in the upper gag two days in a row. I can't really explain what exactly makes me feel this way, but I just feel really alone all of the time. I assume it is probably more my fault than anyone else's, but it is still an awful feeling.

The thing that has been on my mind the most lately is acceptance. The people I count among my closest friends are THE most fantastic people I have ever met in my life, and I thank God every single day for them. Jill, Hope, Kaylee, Jeff, Fowler, Bailey, Kristen, Scott, Aaron and Eric are the most amazing people I could ever have asked to be surrounded with. They brighten my life every single day and keep me going no matter what problems I face.
But, aside from them, I can count on one hand the number of girls, through CC4C, that I have felt "accepted" by.
All the time, I hear people in Campus Crusade talk about bringing people in. Inviting more people, making the meetings bigger.
What about making the people that already go feel welcome?
I haven't really had any desire to go to Cru the last month or so, because I don't really feel welcome or included there. Generally, the only people I find myself talking to are the people I spend my time with outside of Cru.
I don't really know what it is that makes people not really feel like being around me. I know I have heard from people in the last couple years that I am "different." That I don't dress like a Christian should. I don't listen to music like other Christians do. I'm too "weird" to be Christian.
I'm not really sure what any of that means. I didn't know that Christianity came with a dress code and extracurricular requirements.
I love the same Jesus as everyone else. I pray to the same God, I read the same Bible. whose place is it to say that I'm not a Christian because of who I am?
That really tears me apart, probably more than people realize. As does not feeling accepted.
I don't really know how to fix it. I know I'm shy when people first meet me. Which is hard to believe for some people, considering how I act around my closest friends. It's hard for me to just talk to people I have just met, and sometimes that comes off as being rude, I think.
I am thankful for everything God has blessed me with, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I just wish that I understood some things better.

PS. I need something to fill my time while home. With a game or something. Shoot me some ideas if you have any. :)

1 Corinthians 2:9