sky high dreams.

I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things.
most of which I choose not to share with people.
here are some that I will.

I hate, hate, hate being alone. I hate sitting alone in my room. I hate walking alone. I hate eating alone. I just hate being alone.
Hence the reason I tend to walk around to people's rooms on a regular basis, bothering them and seeing if I can just chill with them. I assume most people think it is annoying, but is really difficult for me to just be alone.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I am left out of things. Or that I am being forgotten. despite my above stated dislikes, I still spend a lot of time in my room. I rarely go eat meals with anyone, and I can't really remember the last time that I ate in the upper gag two days in a row. I can't really explain what exactly makes me feel this way, but I just feel really alone all of the time. I assume it is probably more my fault than anyone else's, but it is still an awful feeling.

The thing that has been on my mind the most lately is acceptance. The people I count among my closest friends are THE most fantastic people I have ever met in my life, and I thank God every single day for them. Jill, Hope, Kaylee, Jeff, Fowler, Bailey, Kristen, Scott, Aaron and Eric are the most amazing people I could ever have asked to be surrounded with. They brighten my life every single day and keep me going no matter what problems I face.
But, aside from them, I can count on one hand the number of girls, through CC4C, that I have felt "accepted" by.
All the time, I hear people in Campus Crusade talk about bringing people in. Inviting more people, making the meetings bigger.
What about making the people that already go feel welcome?
I haven't really had any desire to go to Cru the last month or so, because I don't really feel welcome or included there. Generally, the only people I find myself talking to are the people I spend my time with outside of Cru.
I don't really know what it is that makes people not really feel like being around me. I know I have heard from people in the last couple years that I am "different." That I don't dress like a Christian should. I don't listen to music like other Christians do. I'm too "weird" to be Christian.
I'm not really sure what any of that means. I didn't know that Christianity came with a dress code and extracurricular requirements.
I love the same Jesus as everyone else. I pray to the same God, I read the same Bible. whose place is it to say that I'm not a Christian because of who I am?
That really tears me apart, probably more than people realize. As does not feeling accepted.
I don't really know how to fix it. I know I'm shy when people first meet me. Which is hard to believe for some people, considering how I act around my closest friends. It's hard for me to just talk to people I have just met, and sometimes that comes off as being rude, I think.
I am thankful for everything God has blessed me with, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I just wish that I understood some things better.

PS. I need something to fill my time while home. With a game or something. Shoot me some ideas if you have any. :)

1 Corinthians 2:9

What if I'm different?

I'm so tired of people pointing out all of my faults.
I'm sorry that I don't do certain things the way that the rest of society does. I'm sorry that I don't dress right, or talk right, or say things right. I'm sorry that I don't live up to YOUR standards of what a real Christian is.
What is a real Christian anyways?
In high school, and ESPECIALLY in college, I have had so many people tell me that I'm "not a good Christian" or "not a real Christian."

Why not?

Because I don't go around screaming about my God. I don't speak up when I am moved, I don't pray all of the time, I don't read my Bible as much as the guy or girl who lives near me.

Do people not realize that what they say is hurtful?

Even now, writing this, I'm on the verge of tears. Just thinking about what people have said to me tears me apart.

It's enough to make me want to give up on it all all together.

I know I shouldn't, but what do people think is going to be my reaction to that?
It makes me feel like a terrible person, plain and simple.
I guess I just don't fit the mold of the regular teenager who believes in Jesus.
which, you know, makes me feel awesome.
I don't know how to make people like me. I don't know what to do to make people think different of me. So I just suffer through it, and pretend everything is okay, and no one who has any idea.

Even the people I would assume would care, appear not to.

Why?
I have no idea.

I try to be as nice as I know how. I try to smile, wave and greet everyone and I try my best to fit in.

But somehow, I still don't.

What am I going to do?
I guess just stick it out and suck it up, because it doesn't seem like there is anything that I CAN do to save myself.

I'll stop saying what I feel, I only ever get chastised when I do anyways.

I'll stop being happy, and maybe let you get a glimpse of all the sadness I have.

I'll stop laughing, and let you guess what's wrong.

Or maybe I will just keep faking it, the way I know best.

Because I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just different.

i dont know what i did.

I have been struggling so bad since coming to Wayne. So much stuff has happened this year that I was just not prepared for. And I have tried to talk to people about it, especially the people involved, but it is always blown off. Like, "good problem, but MY problems are so much worse." or "Good story, now hear how my issues are so much worse." Sometimes I don't feel like people are listening at all. I feel like I have lost so much this year. It kills me, and makes me want to cry, nearly every day. I have cried more this semester than I have in a long time. I have no idea what to do anymore.
I take a lot of things personally that I probably shouldn't. And most people don't realize it, because I put up such a tough front, and act like I can take it. But in reality, it kills me. Especially when it relates to the kind of friend I am, or how someone feels about me. I am a lot more insecure than I sometimes act. It is extremely hard for me to take compliments as truth, and not feel like it is just being said to me for the sake of being nice. I yearn for approval from people. Something I am working on, but I still struggle with it.
I hate just sitting in my room and doing nothing. I wish I had my bike. I would go on bike rides all the time. Just to be alone. I wish more people wanted to do things outside anymore, but it seems like most everyone wants to stay inside and play some game. I get so bored, and I don't ever have anything to do. You can't throw around a frisbee alone.
I am having a lot of issues with trust. These days, I have no idea who I can trust. I just don't know anymore. Which is extremely hard for me, because then I just keep feelings bottled up and it makes it hurt even more.
I wish, just once, someone would ask me what is wrong. I hate going to people to talk because I feel like I am being an inconvenience. But I can't even remember the last time someone came to me and asked what is wrong, if I need help, if I am okay.
I don't think people give hugs enough. I love hugs. They are one of the few things that can make me feel better no matter what. But no one ever wants to hug anyone. Which is sad, because sometimes that is just what I need to feel better. :/ Most people just think I am weird for wanting a hug from them.
I wish everyone gave hugs like James.
I wish people would care, or at least act like it.

indecisions.

Eight days. that's all. until we go back to Wayne.
I can't even remember the last time I was this excited for something. It's insane.
But, even so, I'm going into this year with a lot of stuff on my mind.
Some things that should be on my mind. Others, that should not.
This summer, I have gotten stronger in my faith. Especially in the last two months. I'm going back to school with a semi new outlook on life. and I LOVE it. I still haven't completely rid myself of the negativity I tended to have a lot of. BUT I'm getting a lot better.
Specifically, I have realized that I wasn't really living my life with the outlook that everything I do is for God, and God alone. That no matter what I do, I must try to glorify him in everything that I do. This summer, I have realized a lot about myself that I never knew before. I was just...living. Wasn't doing it for a purpose.
But now...I am. and this year at school I am going to try and act like that with everything that I do. Classes, Crusade, Friends. Everything.
This summer has been one of the most rocky ones of my life. So much has happened, and so much has changed. Without my friends....without my BEST friends. I never would have made it out so positively. Jeff, Jill, Bailey and Scott are without a doubt the four most important people in my life. And I dont know what I would do without them, but I know I definitely would not be happy.

the greatest book ever written.

some of my favorite bible verses. there is many, many more that I will keep adding! let me know what some of your favorites are. :) God Bless!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it. Psalms 34:14

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen. Romans 11:36

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life." John 8:12

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength.' The Second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:29-31

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has in store for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

story #2!

i have edited the beginning part and added a lot more to it. :)
let me know what you think!



“She’s gone, Carter. She’s gone. They tried all they could, but they couldn’t save her.”
6:39 AM. October 17. The words hit Carter like a ton of bricks. His future wife, his best friend, his life, his everything. Gone. He was speechless. His heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. She was gone, and with her, everything he had ever known.
He sat back in the chair he had spent nearly a dozen hours in, waiting, hoping, and praying. The previous night, at 6:02 PM, it had happened. He had watched it happen, helplessly, two cars behind. He had seen that pickup go a little too fast through a light that had been red for at least 10 seconds. He had seen that pickup slam into the driver’s side of her little Civic. He had seen her airbag deploy. He had seen the driver of the truck reverse and speed away. And there had been nothing he could have done about it.
They had been on their way to the homecoming football game. It was their senior year, and it was supposed to be perfect. The following night, they were supposed to dress to the nines and go dance the night away at the Homecoming dance. Dances had been her favorite part of high school, and she looked forward to every single one. This was her final Homecoming dance, and she had been looking forward to it practically the very second Prom was over. She had searched for weeks for the perfect Homecoming dress, and she and Carter had gone to the florist together to design and buy the perfect corsage and boutonniere. And now everything they had been looking forward to was gone.
After the accident, Carter had been unable to bear the pain of even looking at the accident. They were required to stay at the scene to recall what they had witnessed, but Carter had sat in the backseat of his truck, and tried to feel, think, say, anything. He hadn’t watched the ambulance take his sweetheart away to the hospital; he hadn’t watched the police cars surround the scene. He hadn’t even watched when the tow truck had hauled her crushed Honda away. All he could do was stare blankly at the back of the seat in front of him. Everything about him felt crushed, broken, torn apart.
He had been driving with the guys. She had been with four other girls. They had all met at Carter’s house beforehand to grill out and get ready for the game. Everything had been perfect. The perfect weather, perfect day, perfect friends. It had seemed like nothing could go wrong. Trevor had offered to drive to the game, but Hadley had insisted that she wanted to. Her parents had just paid to put gas in her car, and she wanted to drive. The girls had dressed up in the school colors, blue and gold, and painted the windows of Hadley’s car. They had spent hours perfecting their outfits, hair, and face paint. They had been looking forward to this game since the beginning of the semester. It was their senior year, and they were at the top now. They would stand in the front row of the bleachers and lead the cheers for the rest of the student section, everyone’s eyes on them.
7:34 AM. In the waiting room of Belden Memorial Hospital, the four girls, the guys, and Carter, sat quietly, unsure of what to think of what had happened. The face paint the girls had so carefully applied streaked messily across their cheeks from the tears that they couldn’t seem to stop. The guys, once “too tough” to cry, had broken down into tears, just as Carter had. Hadley’s parents sat in the corner, her mother sobbing heavily into her father’s shoulder, and her father staring straight ahead, a blank look on his face, unable to feel anything. Hadley had been their only daughter, the only girl of five kids, and the only child left in the house. If Carter thought he was broken, he couldn’t begin to imagine how her parents felt.
They said Hadley was gone. But Carter wasn’t sure how easy it would be to accept it.
8:17 AM. Carter and the rest of his friends at the hospital had long since decided they wouldn’t be attending the dance that night. Carter could barely bring himself to leave the hospital. All he wanted to do was be able to hug her one more time. To hold her hand and laugh at her lame attempts at jokes. To surprise her at her locker in school with flowers, a note, even just a hug. To look into her gorgeous blue eyes, and smile just because he could. He didn’t know if he could even stand to go back to school, to walk the same halls alone that he had become so accustomed to walking with her, to sit in the same classes they had together, to sit with the same friends at the same lunch table, missing the most important part.
Hadley and Carter had known each other since they were four years old. They had gone to the same daycare, and their moms had met, and become really close friends. From then on, the two of them had been put together in all kinds of situations: play dates, lunch dates, and family get-togethers. They had grown up living on the same block, just a few houses apart. Growing up, Hadley’s house had been one of the few places that Carter had been allowed to walk to alone. They had always walked to the library together, and then sat in the children’s section for hours looking at picture books, laughing together at all the little things that had amused them so much. Carter knew almost everything about Hadley. From her favorite color to her favorite food, the scars she had, and the things she was most afraid of. He knew the things she hated, and the things she loved. And he knew the plans she had for her life, ones only someone with a huge heart and imagination could have dreamed of, and now it was gone.
9:24 AM. Carter stumbled out of the hospital doors and into the bright Saturday morning sunlight. Already, the temperature had risen to almost 70 degrees, not uncommon for Texas. On a normal day like this, Hadley would have called him early in the morning, far before his brain wanted to wake up, and begged him to hurry up and get out of bed so they could go somewhere for the day, whether it was the lake, the zoo, the mall, anywhere. Carter had cherished every single second he spent with her, even if the seconds were spent doing something he didn’t particularly enjoy.
He stood at the end of one of the dozens of aisles of cars. He could not figure out where he had parked his car. Much of the previous night was still a blur of tears, worry, fear and heartbreak. He wandered, slowly, through the aisles of cars, trying to find his blue pickup.
9:35 AM. Once he located his truck, he got in slowly. He threw his keys onto the passenger seat and put his head down on the steering wheel. With both hands on the wheel, Carter felt the pain of his heart breaking. Tears began streaming down his cheeks, and had he not been gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white, he was sure his hands would have been shaking. His body shuddered with each of his hard, ragged breaths. The weight of what had happened had finally begun to take over. Nearly four years, she had been his everything. For nearly 7 years, she had been his best friend. For nearly 14 years, she had been a permanent fixture, friend, in his life. He had no idea how he would be able to function without her.
9:14 AM. Friday, October 16. Hadley ran up to Carter in the hallway at Persinger Academy.
“Hey, baby,” she said, standing on her tiptoes to reach up and kiss him on the check. “How was homeroom?” Her blue eyes glittered even under the stark light of the fluorescents.
“Well, it was…homeroom. Tyler was making paper airplanes again the whole time, and throwing them across the room every time Mrs. Knapp turned her back. That was about the most exciting part.” Carter smiled, and took her hand, starting to walk down the hallway.
“Tyler is so immature sometimes,” she said, giggling. “So, am I just coming over to your house right after school? What’s the plan?”
“If you have all of your stuff that you need with you, then most definitely,” he said, nodding. “I think Tanner was planning on coming over right after school, too. So we can start getting stuff ready for the grill and all of that. And you girls can make yourselves look beautiful, more so than you already are anyways.” Carter squeezed her hand and laughed, while she pouted and pretended to be upset.
The minute warning bell rang; shrill in their ears, signaling that is was time to get to class. Hadley kissed Carter on the cheek once more, before starting down the hall to her class.
“I’ll see you after school, babe!” she called down the hallway. Carter smiled to himself as he walked into Calculus, wondering once again how he had gotten so lucky to have such a wonderful woman in his life.
3:22 PM. Carter spun the lock to his combination and yanked it open. He threw his Astronomy book onto the shelf and grabbed his letter jacket off of the hook. He heard Hadley’s voice before he saw her. She turned the corner down the hallway with her best friend, Tori, absorbed in a conversation that could only involve the evening they had planned ahead of them. Even after four years, Carter still got butterflies in his stomach every time he saw her. She caught his eye from the end of the hallway, and smiled brightly at him. He started walking down the hall towards her. They met in the middle, and turned towards the front door.

feeling forgotten.

I feel like this summer I am losing everything I gained at Wayne. I know I'm not, because that's not the kind of thing the wonderful friends I have would do, but I don't know.
I can't stand it. and it is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't go out of my way to tell people what is wrong with me.
I need people to ask ME if I'm okay.
Because I worry about bothering people, making people mad, being a nuisance, frustrating people, messing things up, losing friends, losing my mind, being stupid, saying dumb stuff. the list goes on and on.
and when the people I expect to care the most....don't. it is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I am being forgotten.
I don't know how to handle situations anymore.
I worry too much. This is something that nearly everyone I know has knowledge of. But I'm the kind of person who needs to be reminded of what is special about me. I don't know why...and I hate that about myself.
I hate being alone. Which I think is the main reason I miss Wayne so much. I'm used to being surrounded by the fantastic friends I have. And at home...I don't have that. I have Jill, whom I love and who is the best friend I could ever ask for...but I miss everyone else more than they could probably imagine.
I just want to go back to Wayne and have everything be...fabulous again. like it used to be.
I have the best friends on the planet, and I know I take them for granted every day of my life. I love them more than almost anything. I just really need them.
So, to Jeff, Fowler, Scott, Aaron, Caleb, Bailey, Jill and whoever else may read this. I love you guys. :) only 43 days until we all get to be together again! Thank you for being amazing.

story post #1

Please let me know what you think, and how you think I could improve! This is a very rough draft, and I am completely open to suggestions.


“She’s gone, Carter. She’s gone. They tried all they could, but they couldn’t save her.”
The words hit Carter like a ton of bricks. His fiancée, his best friend, his life, his everything. Gone. He was speechless. His heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. She was gone, and with her, everything he had ever known.
He sat back in the chair he had spent nearly a dozen hours in, waiting, hoping, and praying. He had seen it happen. He had seen that pickup go a little too fast through a light that had been red for at least 10 seconds. He had seen that pickup slam into the driver’s side of her little Civic. He had seen her airbag deploy. He had seen the driver of the truck reverse and speed away. And there had been nothing he could have done about it.
They had been on their way to the homecoming football game. It was their senior year, and it was supposed to be perfect. That night, they were supposed to dress to the nines and go dance the night away at the Homecoming dance.
After the accident, Carter had been unable to bear the pain of even looking at the accident. They were required to stay at the scene to recall what they had witnessed, but Carter had sat in the backseat of his truck, and tried to feel, think, say, anything. He hadn’t watched the ambulance take his beloved fiancée away to the hospital, he hadn’t watched the police cars surround the scene. He hadn’t even watched when the tow truck had hauled her crushed Honda away. All he could do was stare blankly at the back of the seat in front of him.
He had been driving with Trevor, Chris and Tony. She had been with Taylor, Megan, Shannon and Elizabeth. They had all met at Carter’s house beforehand to grill out and get ready for the game. Everything had been perfect. The perfect weather, perfect day, perfect friends. It had seemed like nothing could go wrong. Trevor had offered to drive to the game, but Hadley had insisted that she wanted to. Her parents had just paid to put gas in her car, and she wanted to drive. The girls had dressed up in the school colors, blue and gold, and painted the windows of Hadley’s car. They had been looking forward to this game since the beginning on the semester.
Now, in the waiting room of Belden Memorial Hospital, the four girls, the guys, and Carter, sat quietly, unsure of what to think of what had happened. The face paint the girls had so carefully applied was in streaks, due to the tears that had been falling down their cheeks almost constantly since the accident. The guys, once “too tough” to cry, had broken down into tears, just as Carter had. Hadley’s parents sat in the corner, her mother sobbing heavily into her father’s shoulder, and her father staring straight ahead, a blank look on his face, unable to feel anything.
They said Hadley was gone. But Carter wasn’t sure how easy it would be to accept it.

worrying too much.

i worry too much. period.
i know this. and i am aware of it. and i hate it.
i overthink situations. and i wonder too many things. and im nosy.
and i make things negative when they do not at all have to be.
but im working on it. im working on not deciphering every little thing that happens.
im learning, every single day, to just let go, and let God. I cant decide what is going to happen with my life. That is for God, and God alone, to decide.
i am going to try to stop worrying as much as i do already. it isnt good for me, or for anyone it affects.
i worry so much about the future, and how things are going to turn out, and what is going to happen.
Let go, and let God.

my savior wears jeans.

Jeff's little sister, Jennifer, wrote this.
And she gave Scott and I permission to post it on our blogs.
I really really like it. and think its really good.


When I finally pass away some day,
I can merely hope and pray
That I will gaze upon Christ.
Though he is constantly depicted in free flowing robes of white,
That is not the Savior I expect to see in my sights,
No, that image simply is not right.
My Savior wears jeans.

Yes, He wears jeans, an opinion I refuse to deny,
And if you need reassurance you only need to look toward the sky,
And gaze at the intricate shades of blue.

His jeans are long, battered, tattered, and torn.
They've been stained with blood, tears, and sweat since before I was born.
The blue varies through fades, and prices He's paid.
The most appealing part of the jeans are the many splotches of bleach,
From where He has tried to reach and teach,
As He walks to and fro,
Cleaning the coats, of those whom He knows.
And I will be the one of the first to confide,
That those stains on his jeans will stay there with pride,
No matter how much He uses Clorox 2 or Tide,
Because the blotches we see is from where He's lived, thrived, and died,
And eventually risen days after making his crucial decision.
Yes, it is true; I can see through the blue, my Savior wears jeans

negativity in focus.

i have begun to realize that i start out a lot of my blogs the same way.
and i have also realized that i start blogs thinking i have some really awesome idea, but then i start to write and realize that it is actually really dumb.
so hopefully, that isnt going to happen this way.
but im not really sure.
anyways. most everyone, it seems, has been kind of negative lately. especially the last month.
and i hate it. a lot.
i think it had something to do with the fact that everyone was together so much, for some people anyways.
that never particularly bothered me. because i loved hanging out with the guys, and bailey, all the time.
but, i think that took a toll on some people.
a lot of the time, i know that i dont get taken as very serious. i know i mess around a lot and i try to make a lot of situations funny. which apparently annoys some people. but i dont like it when people are down, especially if it is for a reason that i cant do anything about.
i can be kind of nosy.
and i am well aware of that.
but it is always for a good reason. i always want to know what is going on that i can try to resolve/salvage the situation. i guess i dont always tell people that, because i guess i usually assume that they don't or won't care.
i feel like a lot of times i have to explain the things i do. i have to let people know the reasons i do things, or otherwise they wont ever understand me.
but i am starting to realize that that isn't at all necessary.
the people who matter are going to love ME for ME. regardless of what I do, or how i do things, or what i say, or how I act. the people that are always going to be there for me arent going to care what kind of person i used to be, the people i used to be friends with, the habits i used to have.
they arent going to care what i wear, or how i do my hair, or the car i drive or the music i listen to.
they are going to like me. all of me. no matter what.
and i thank God every single second of every single day for giving me people like that.

Wayne State College.

this is going to be the longest summer of my life.
it is the end of day one of summer.
and i already hate it.
it might sound really dramatic and super lame.
but this sucks. i want to go back to school.
i knew i would miss my friends, and i knew i would be a bit down.
but seriously. how am i going to survive without the people that i spent almost all of my time with.
i can honestly say that i have never had friends like the ones i have met at WSC.
Jeff, Aaron, Fowler, Scott, and Bailey. The 5 people I spent the most time with. They are the ones I miss the most right now.
I had no idea that being away from people could be such a big deal.
But that just goes to show how important they are to me. The more you miss someone, the bigger the impact they have had on you.
Every single one of those people has changed my life in some way. Whether it was big or small, they all made some sort of impact. It hurts so bad knowing they wont be just across campus to go talk to or hug or wave at. or watch play cod. :)
I am not going to lie, I cried this morning when it kind of hit me that I wouldn't be seeing some of the guys for a long time.
The camping trip this summer is going to be unbelievably fun. and i cannot wait to get everyone together again. :)
until then, I have a very long six weeks ahead of me. August 19th can't come fast enough.

nerves.

i do not understand how people can say the most rude hurtful horrible things and not even care at all.
tonight i was told that i am not an individual. that i am a follower. and shallow. and close minded. and not unique. and rude. and basically worthless.
who is he to decide what/who i am? who is he to say that i am not unique.
he didnt even care what he did to my feelings. he just said what he thought was right. and said that a lot of my friends agreed with him. and just didnt tell me.
did he try to be nice about it? did he care about what i thought? or how i would feel? no.
i defriended him on facebook. and deleted him from my phone.
i learned from my best friends that he is completely wrong. and that i dont have to listen to him. because he has no idea what he is talking about, and has no right to say what he said.
it is currently 2:59 AM. Jeff and Scott just left Bowen about ten minutes ago, after coming over to see me because of what happened.
I have the two best friends on the whole entire planet. no joust. among other people, without those boys, i do not know where i would be.
scott dropped what he was doing to come over. and jeff stayed up extra late.
just to come to bowen to make me feel better.
this summer is going to suck. no random people showing up in the middle of the night.
no hugs from them every single day.
no hanging out for hours on end every day.
im not at all excited for the summer. but i cannot wait to see everyone halfway through.

the end of the year.

i realize that i talk about my friends a lot.
but that is because i seriously do not know where i would be without them.
growing up, i definitely did not have very many friends. and the ones that i did have, were definitely not good role models, or good influences.
most people don't know about the kind of person i was. yeah, from about seventh til ninth grade i got into the whole weed thing. i hung out with not so good people. had a mouth like a sailor, which stuck with me for far too long.
i got into fights a lot, i went places i shouldnt have gone, i broke things and even stole stuff a couple times.
i was not a good person, nor was i living my life for God, by any means. I generally do not tell people about that way that I was, because I am seriously ashamed of it. Now, I am so against smoking and doing anything like that, but that is some of who I used to be.
At the beginning of this year, I still had that sailor mouth. Sometimes I hung out with some not wonderful people, though never as much as when I was younger.
I always hated church when I was little. I thought sermons were boring, hymns were stupid, and I didnt understand why I had to go. It didnt make any sense to me.
The summer before my senior year, I went on a mission trip to Arkansas. My youth group went with another group, from a church in Omaha called St. Paul United Methodist. Those kids were some of the most amazing people I have ever met. And they changed my life.
Jess and I started going to their church every Sunday instead of our home church. St. Paul UMC has a very strong youth program, which is something our church lacks. Both of us attended that church through most of the school year, but I had to stop going when my dumb job kept scheduling me for Sunday mornings.
The point is, that most people don't know the kind of person I have been. Even now, I am terrified that someone is going to read this and think completely different of me and not talk to me anymore or something.

Scott sent me a message on Facebook telling me a lot of important stuff. And he doesn't know it, but it absolutely meant the world to me. I am the kind of person who needs to hear things in order to believe them. i dont think im beautiful unless someone says so. i dont think im funny unless someone says so. i am the kind of person who sometimes needs to be complimented.

i know that i have become a better person simply because of the people i am surrounded with everyday. and i cannot begin to thank them enough for that.

i got nerve.

i seriously cannot believe the nerve of some people.
i have been talked about before. bad things have been said about me. i have been called a bitch, rude, mean, unapproachable, intimidating, scary. and a few other things.
but never in my life, until tonight, have i been called the "c word."
i could honestly care less if you talk bad about me. go for it.
but make sure that you know me before you do so.
i cant decide if i should be mad about what was said, or just laugh at it.
because it is a rather amusing situation. someone who doesnt know anything about me, has never met me or even talked to me, and doesnt even live in the same state as me, talking crap about me.
i just find it funny that some people have nothing better to do than to trash people they dont even know. or know anything about.
i understand why some people trash people they know. or have met. but if you dont know them or anything, why do it? it makes you look more dumb than the person you are trashing.
personally, i think this situation is hilarious, and i feel like that is a good way to handle it.
im not going to let it affect me, and im not going to let it make me mad.

on a happier note. Crusade Formal tonight. :) Jeff and I are going to look super spiffy!

Life Together - Geoff Moore

To my mother we were known as 'the gang'.
There was Bobby and Donny and Laura and me.
Yeah - one was a girl; she didn't act that way.
When we were together we never were afraid.

It showed me what it was to really be a friend.
It didn't matter what you had, how you looked or what you said.
We'd ride our bikes down the middle of a street,
At the top of our lungs you could hear us scream:

"Friends forever, to the end,
On this my friend you can depend!'

Together we live, together we walk.
Together we stand, divided we fall.
When you are weak, I will be strong.
When I fall back, won't you pull me along?

It's life together!
I'll stick with you through any kind of weather.
Life together!
It's meant to be for ever and ever,
In honour of the One Who paid the price.
The gift of love and sacrifice
Gave us life together.

And now, there are the ones that are in my life,
Who have loved me through all my lonesome ride.
I'll never know no other way,
It's from my heart when you hear me say:

"Friends forever, to the end,
On this my friend you can depend!'

Together we live, together we walk.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Together we stand, divided we fall.
When you are weak I will be strong.
When I fall back, won't you pull me along?

It's life together!

Together we live, together we walk.
Together we stand, divided we fall.
When you are weak I will be strong.
When I fall back, won't you pull me along?

This is life together!
I'll stick with you through any kind of weather.
Life together!
It's meant to be for ever and ever,
In honour of the One Who paid the price.
His gift of love that gives us life.

Life together!
I'll stick with you through any kind of weather.
Life together!
It's meant to be for ever and ever.
When you are weak, I will be strong.
When I fall back, won't you pull me along?

It's life together!
I'll stick with you through any kind of weather.
Life together!
It's meant to be for ever and ever,
In honour of the One Who paid the price.
The gift of love that gives us life.

Life together!
I'll stick with you through any kind of weather.
Life together!
Things just keep on getting better and better...

His gift of love that gives us life.

Life together!

best friends forever!...?

what exactly defines what a best friend is? how do you decide who your best friends are, and who are just your plain old friends?
what does being a best friend mean to you?
to me, a best friend is someone you trust with everything, or almost everything anyways. a best friend is someone you can go to no matter what, and know that they will listen with their full heart and mind, and tell you what you NEED to hear, rather than what you WANT to hear. a best friend is someone you know would take your place in a bad situation in a heartbeat if they could. a best friend is someone who just knows when you need a hug, and gives the best hugs on the entire planet. a best friend is someone who can brighten your day with a simple smile, or one of said hugs, no words needed. a best friend is someone that you can hang out with for hours on end, and never ever get tired of them. a best friend is someone who understands the message you are trying to send to them by just looking at them. a best friend is someone you text when you are sitting right next to them.
i have made so many friends at wayne. i have met SO many people that have touched my life, and whom i will never forget.
but aside from that, i have made some of THE best friends I think i will ever have. Everyone who will be living on my floor next year are the people I count among my good friends. But my best friends: Jill, Scott, Jeff. Those three fit every single characteristic of a best friend.
Jill: I have known her since freshman year of high school. And yet, we weren't all that close until this year. She is the best roommate anyone could possibly ask for. She is one of the most amazing women I have met in my life, and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. She keeps me "in line" sometimes, and encourages me more than she probably knows.
Scott: I have only known him since about October. We didnt get along at first, thats for sure. A lot of crazy stuff has happened along the course of our friendship. But if anything, it has made us closer. He is someone I know I can trust with anything, and I believe the same goes for him. Through crazy girlfriends, fights, arguments, and everything else. He has remained one of the closest people to me at Wayne, and I hope that doesn't ever change.
Jeff: Jeff and I only became friends this semester pretty much. I never planned on being friends with him, and I know he never planned on being friends with me. We thought we were so different from each other that it couldn't happen, but now he is my best friend. period. There isn't that many people I can say understand me. But Jeff, along with Scott, is one of those people. "Best friends til the end of time." And I can't imagine that not coming true. Our friendship has gone through a lot, a lot more than most friendships do, but I am so grateful that nothing has torn it apart, and that no matter what, nothing can change that.
Without these three, I KNOW I wouldn't have survived this year. They all three helped my in so many different ways, and yet, all affected me the same.
In high school, my friends and I always talked about how we would stay friends forever. And now I know that that isn't completely true. Sure, I still talk to them and everything, but it isn't the same. We have all moved on, and without that happening, I don't think I would have had the opportunity to become so close to everyone at Wayne, those three especially. And now, I can't imagine life being any other way.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34

contemplating.

i dont understand a lot of things.
i dont know why its called red cabbage when it is clearly purple.
i dont know why scientists had to destroy pluto's self esteem.
i dont know why it is assumed that girls dont know anything about football.
i dont know why girls have to shave their legs and guys don't.
but mostly, i wish i knew why everyone was so rude all the time.
making fun of people is horrible, and i am not going to say that i dont ever do it. because i know that i do. sarcasm is often the worst way to make fun of someone, and that is my worst habit.
im not sure who the person is who decided that insulting was a good idea. because its not.
i have had some seriously hurtful things said to me, even in the last week. and whether they were said in a joking way or not, they hurt my feelings.
self esteem is a tricky thing. its easier than anything else on the planet to tear down. but it is easily the most difficult thing to build back up.
im fairly good at hiding it when i am feeling really really "put upon." and a lot of people dont realize when i am.
but more often than not, the reason that i, and everyone else, make fun of other people, is because they arent in a good mood themselves, or their self esteem is really down.
i just wish that everyone could get along. hug your friends, smile at strangers, and say hi to the people that look sad. it will almost always make them smile, and the world will be a better place. :]

revolution.

i think that i am probably one of the most impatient people on the planet.

im not going to lie. i am one of those people who sends texts a couple times if the person doesn't reply right away.

i hate waiting for people, things, stuff, food, time, anything.

which is why i think it is so hard for me to sit idly by and wait for someone awesome (a man, relationship wise) to come into my life.

i tend to base a lot of the worth of what happens in my life off of what happens with other people who are close to me.

its no secret of this, and i think that most people are aware of it.

i feel like that is one thing that i seriously need to work on, especially when it comes to trusting God to make things happen for me.

i dont like not knowing things, which is why it is hard for me to accept that i just have to go to God and trust him that he is going to provide for me everything that I need, whether it takes five days, five months or five years.

i am slowly realizing a lot of things in my life, and slowly becoming a better person because of this.

I owe a LOT of this to my best friends, Scott and Jeff. without those two men in my life, I would still be lost. In the short time that I have known them this year, i have found in them one of the best support systems i could ever ask for. These guys are always going to be there for me, no matter what happens, or what the reason i need them. I know that if i needed one of them at four in the morning, they would gladly be there as soon as they could. no matter what comes up and creates a roadblock for our friendships, those boys and i always make it through.

I can't say it enough. How much I thank God every single day for the people that I have been blessed with in my life, like Scott and Jeff.

My friends are my rock, and without them I would not be able to survive. Without them I could never have made it through this year.

Like when I had, basically, an emotional breakdown at the beginning of spring break, and Jeff was in Omaha, that was God. The way that the guys can sense when something is wrong, and when I need a hug or something, that's God.

This summer is going to be really hard, being away from them for so long. I am not going to be able to walk across campus to hug them or to talk to them when I am down.

I know now that God led me to Wayne State for a reason, and I am completely happy with the person I have become. This year has honestly been one of the best years of my life, and I sincerely look forward to becoming closer to Him, as well as all of my friends.

3, 2, 1. now fall in my arms now.

if anyone would like to explain to me the way that men function, please let me know.

im tired of trying to figure out what they are thinking.

and most are too pansy to just tell you straight up.

you've been there. you understand.

relationships.

they are ridiculous, complicated, horrible, wonderful, amazing, dangerous, awesome, scary things.

the worst feeling in the world is wanting something more than anything, and having it cut off.

i feel like that has happened to me a lot lately. both romantically and friendship wise.

i tend to put on a front that i am a really strong, intimidating, tough person.

when in reality, i am the complete opposite. i am a fragile person. i take what people say literally, and often to heart.

i fall far too easily, once im pushed. i say everything i think, which gets me into trouble sometimes.

i cry really easily, something i absolutely despise.

i laugh at everything, sometimes when it isnt even funny.

i am one of the most sarcastic people on the planet. its a horrible habit, and i truly wish for it to stop.

i push people away when i feel like they are going to learn too much. it takes a lot for me to gain trust in someone, and because of that, there is maybe three people on the entire planet that i completely trust.

i am a lot different than people think. and i am a lot different than i was when i started high school, when i graduated high school, and even from when i started college.

i have changed. a lot. and absolutely for the better.

but thats not how i always was. i used to live a lot darker of a life.

my parents may still be together, i may not struggle with alcohol, drugs or come from a broken home. i may not be poor or in poverty or not know when i will have food next.

but i do have a lot of issues that even some brilliant people couldnt figure out.

i am kayla elizabeth clark. and thats all that i know how to be. i am not going to change anything about myself to please everyone around me. ill make the friends that i need and forget the rest. im not here for people to judge and say that i am a bad person, or i do the wrong things.

i am strong. and i can survive anything.

spotlight on god.

I have been told multiple, many, lots of times in my life that I do not seem like a Christian. I don't act like a Christian, I don't talk like a Christian, I don't carry myself as a Christian.

What exactly does this mean? How exactly does a Christian act, talk, dress, carry themselves? Whose right is it to say that I do not fit the "mold" of a Christian?

Yeah, I don't like praying out loud. I don't have a ton of bible verses memorized that I can dispense on a whim. I don't go to church every single Sunday, and I don't always read my Bible every day.

But I know that there is someone out there who is going to love me no matter what I do. who is going to be in my life forever and always, no matter what I do. Who will never judge me for something that I do that may not be the best decision I could have made. Who will always be there for me to turn to whenever it seems like the whole entire world is falling apart.

God is my rock. He has been since I was in eighth grade. When Jonathan Betancourt stopped me after church one Sunday night and asked me a completely simple question. Kayla, if you died on your way home tonight, do you know what would happen to you? I said I figured I would go to heaven. And he said how sure are you? And my answer was I don't know. That question absolutely changed my life forever. On that night I prayed to receive Jesus Christ into my heart, and from that day on I have been in the best relationship I have ever, and will ever, have.

Ever since coming to Wayne, I have wondered a lot about what would have happened if I had gone to a bigger college, maybe not started going to Campus Crusade, maybe fallen into that drinking and partying scene. I thank God every single day that he has surrounded me with such wonderful people who sort of help keep me in line, and keep me sane. I have the best friends that anyone could ask for. I absolutely do not know what life would be like now without them, and I am absolutely dreading being away from them for the summer.

I am completely content with the person that I am and the person that I have become. Think what you want of me, but know. I believe in Jesus Christ, Son of God. I am a Christian, no matter what mold I may or may not fit into.